ahhh yes the honey moon, such great times, when nothing could stop the shear love we had for each other.
There was that time it even made me a samich ><
Now my laptop knows of my dirty dirty habbits :P
and i know my laptop likes to see small children in pain..
... stupid computor
- Mood:
amused
Ok so its the holidays .. i have two weeks of pure boredom to cope with. Tho to tell you the truth im handeling it just fine at the moment.
I shall list my achievements:
-Painted a picture for the lounge room. (if anyone of my two readers wants to see it msn me)
-Passed the 40% mark on the 'batman arkham asylm' game (on windows live)
-Completed half of my english holiday assignment
-Started but failed on my maths & chemistry
-Watched a total of 23 'Big Bang Theory' episodes
-Updated on the following shows (Watched untill newest)
-supernatural season 5 episode 16 'Dark side of the moon'
-house season 6 episode 15 'The black hole'
-Lost season 6 episode 10 'The package'
- Completed Watching 'spice and wolf' and 'egro proxy' ( both anime)
- Read 12 Mad magazienes
- Played about 6 hours of puzzle pirates (over the stupid game at the moment)
-Played about 9 hours of wii & completed Rayman 2
and all that is over ... 5 days
tataa people :)
- Mood:
contemplative
Reeves was born in Beirut, Lebanon, the son of Patricia Bond, a costume designer/performer, and Samuel Nowlin Reeves, Jr., a geologist. Reeves's mother is English, and his father is an American of Hawaiian, Chinese, Portuguese and English descent. Reeves' father worked as an unskilled laborer and earned his GED while imprisoned in Hawaii for selling heroin at Hilo International Airport. He abandoned his wife and family when Reeves was three years old, and Reeves does not currently have any relationship with him. Reeves is named after his uncle, Henry Keanu Reeves. "Keanu" in Hawaiian means the coldness. When Reeves first arrived in Hollywood, his agent thought his first name was too exotic, so during the early days of his film career he was sometimes credited as K.C. Reeves. Reeves has one biological sister named Kim (born 1966 in Australia) who was diagnosed with leukemia in the early 1990s.
Reeves moved around the world frequently as a child and he lived with various stepfathers. After his parents divorced in 1966, his mother became a costume designer and moved the family to Australia and then to New York City Grandparents and nannies babysat Reeves and his sisters, and Reeves grew up primarily in Toronto. Within a span of five years, he attended four different high schools, including the Etobicoke School of the Arts, from which he was later expelled. Reeves has stated that he was expelled "...because I was greasy and running around a lot. I was just a little too rambunctious and shot my mouth off once too often. I was not generally the most well-oiled machine in the school. I was just getting in their way, I guess."
Reeves excelled more in hockey than in academics, as his educational development was challenged by dyslexia. His team nicknamed him "The Wall," and voted him MVP. While Reeves dreamed of becoming an Olympic hockey player for Canada , an injury ended his hopes for a hockey career. After leaving De La Salle College, he attended a free school (Avondale Alternative), which allowed him to obtain an education while working as an actor; he later dropped out, never obtaining his high school diploma.
Reeves started filming the surrealist romantic comedy Henry's Crime in December 2009, with filming set to wrap in early 2010. After this he will be starting work as producer and star on the science-fiction space drama Passengers, written by Jon Spaihts.
In January 2009, it was revealed that Reeves will star in the live-action film adaptation of the anime series Cowboy Bebop,slated for release in 2011. Other upcoming projects include the samurai film 47 Ronin, Chef - story by Reeves and written by Steven Knight, and a modern retelling of the Robert Louis Stevenson classic Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde, scripted by Justin Haythe and titled Jekyll. Nicolas Winding Refn is in negotiations to direct.
He has never married ( although he is currently in a one sided relationship with Vampirexiii and doesnt know it) In December 1999, Reeves' girlfriend Jennifer Syme gave birth to a stillborn daughter who was named Ava Archer Syme-Reeves. In April 2001, Syme was killed in a car accident. She was buried next to their daughter in the Westwood Village Memorial Park Cemetery in Los Angeles, California. In 2008 Reeves was sued, unsuccessfully in Los Angeles Superior Court for $711,974 by paparazzo Alison Silva for allegedly hitting and injuring him with his Porsche after visiting a relative at a Los Angeles medical facility. The paparazzo's lawsuit took a year and a half to make it to trial, with all 12 jurors rejecting the case in just over an hour.
Reeves also has musical interests: he played bass guitar in the grunge band Dogstar during the 1990s, and in the 2000s, he has performed with the band Becky.
He is also the most smexiest person alive and will always be loved by me.
hhhoootttttt -drools-
xooxoxxoox
soz no comic today to tired
Heres my story Folks
Part 1:
I lit the match and threw it onto the trail of gasoline. The trail of fire continued to the side of the old barn, where the old wood embraced the light with open arms. The nearby cattle sounded as they yelled in retreat upon hearing the loud yells from the cracking wood. Smoke rose into the air and covered the bright blue sky. I coughed as I inhaled the smoke and took it as my time to leave, someone would notice soon. The estate was vast and beautiful. It ranged from forest to lake and was all too big, for a morning stroll. Luckily for me I just wanted to leave this horrid place. I have been forced to attend a mid day lunch with my selfish father and over proud step mother. The two have been rambling on about my "accident" mother and "indecent funds". I would not have retaliated the way I had if not for the fact my mother’s birthday was today, the same day as her accident. The bitching and complaining about my sweet mother’s death had pushed me over the edge, and the only thing I felt necessary to do was burn down our old barn. Knowing full well that I would be severely punished for my actions. What I did not know how ever, was that a small girl had been playing inside the barn, and had ran away and left her doll inside the barn upon hearing the fast footsteps creeping closer. As I turned to leave I saw the small girl standing by a tree crying. Her white dress illuminated the patterns of the leaves above in the sun light.
'Hey hey,' I said softly my new deep teenager voice, 'What’s the matter?'
The girl stopped as i kneeled down to her height. Her face now red from crying, her eyes glittered from the reflection of the sun in her puffy eyes, and I was in a dead state of mind. The girls appearance although young was that of an angels, her skin as pale as snow, lips as red as blood and hair as long and flowing as the sea. She looked up into my eyes and I was dumbfounded.
'My Teddy... I it...it was in the barn' she looked down embarrassed.
Probably from the look on my face, I was falling for this sad girl, every sniff she took to stop her runny nose.
'I'm sorry, it’s just, I'm upset. It's my mother’s birthday today and people are not being very nice to her' I decided not to tell the beautiful girl about my dead mother.
'Oh, it's my birthday today as well, maybe she could join my birthday party?’ the girl said with her hopes lifting.
I was not going to crush the young girl’s hopes with my tragic anger towards my family so I suggested I go instead. The girl was overjoyed with my interest and grabbed my hand pulling me towards her tea party.
It was only moments later I heard a yell coming from the barn, which was now far in the distance.
'It’s okay, Jery always yells when he is scared,' the young girl told me.
I had never met this girl before but she knew my father better than myself.
'I know, he's my father,' I said smiling as she stopped to look at purple flower on the side or the track.
Her face dropped, and her body froze as if she was shocked to hear of my news.
'No, you're too nice to be related to a walnut like Mr. Reeves. He doesn't deserve a son.'
Of course this shocked me, no one had ever told me my life wasn't a mistake, even if I was reminded that it was daily. I smiled, this girl was slowly making me life seem worthwhile.
'Hey listen, I'm really sorry I burnt you teddy, I'll get you a new one okay?'
The girl just smiled and nodded in agreement.
' EVANGALENE! KEANU!!!'
I felt shock run threw my body as I heard the names echo in my mind. I looked to the girl called Evangalene, only to see her fully calm.
'Would you like to explain what you two are doing out this far away from the castle?' Jery yelled red faced.
I was too shocked to reply to the angry man and sank back into my shell. Evangalene still at my side opened her mouth and my world changed forever.
'It's my fault, I was playing in the barn and knocked over Mr. Plicks lamp. Then Keanu came to help but it was too late, I'm sorry'
My father’s expression was that of sheer terror. He stood towards her and raised his hand.
'No!' I yelled upon realising the young girl’s fate, but was too late.
The sound of skin hitting skin was painful for anyone to hear but the sound and sight was the last thing I remember about Evangalene. I didn't see her again for 11 years.
Part 2:
-Evangalene’s point of view-
The sunlight kissed my sleeping face as it was rising over the hills. Today was my 16th birthday and I was looking forward to it. Not in most ways a 16 year old would be happy to receive on her birthday, but I was happy just to sleep in. I took a deep breath and dragged my lead feet out of bed. The floor was cold as I stood and got myself ready for my day ahead. My room was at the very bottom and back if the castle-like-house, and in result in the winter I was frozen, equal to summer where I melted. Today I had a very exciting yet scary day ahead. It was my birthday and it was the last time I would wake up in this room. I made my way up stairs towards the kitchen in hopes of a quiet breakfast. The house was the size of a high school, in relation to the amount of rooms and toilets, and the height of a shopping centre in amount to the 3 levels it had. I headed towards the kitchen as I saw the light gleam from it in the early morning rays, but that was not all I noticed. The door was slightly opened and the sound of tapping echoed down the hall. I approached the room with care and took a deep longing breath as I opened the door.
In the room was three women. The head mistress or rather my aunt, the head servant and an apprentice servant. The room was filled with the sent of freshly brewed tea, as the light peeped through the window, and the outside birds chipped happily at the sound of the earth waking.
'Good morning Evangalene, did you sleep well?' my aunt said sipping her tea.
'Ju-just great th-thank you,' I was too taken back by the fact that she pretended my life existed. The head servant smiled at my reply probably because she knew that something was coming. I was not good with confrontation, and in return I froze up.
‘Your contract ended today, I am going to have to ask you to leave my property,' my aunt informed me smugly.
My contract was instated after my parent’s death, and I was signed to slavery until the age of 16. Of course unaware to my aunt I already knew this, and I had already bought a cheap or rather tiny apartment as far away from this place as I could. Also as the same as my aunt I was long awaiting my release from this horrid place. I looked at her straight in the eyes, which I would never do under any other circumstances.
'Thank you for your hospitality,' the look on her face was indescribable..
Her mouth opened to say something but she closed it and nodded instead. I turned to leave, but my hand was caught by another.
'Be safe.'
-keanu's point of view-
I was awakened by the sound of my alarm, and felt around for the snooze button, hitting numerous objects in the act. I finally hit the target and found my way out of bed, and into the bathroom.
The steam from my shower fogged up my mirror, and all I could see was
a blurry reflection.
'What have you got your self into,' I said to my reflection.
I had stayed up late last night celebrating my promotion to my bosses job. Sure that sounds great but not when the reason for the promotion is because it was stated in a will. my boss was shot by a rivalry gang because he taking money for himself. My father was his best friend and I was his best student, always polite, doing what I was told. All though I wasn't always like this, i remember when I hated my life and everyone in it. One girl changed that. I stood at the mirror longer that I was expecting, but was brought out of my thoughts by my phone ringing.
'Hello?'
'Hey boss? We have a problem'
'I'll be there soon, Reece'
'It's urgent, it’s Jamie, he's not here yet'
I hung up grabbing my suit from out the closet and racing to my car. It's a problem when Jamie goes missing, he's not the friendliest guy I have ever known. Jamie has a liking for young girls and sometimes his manhood gets in the way.
-Evangalene's point of view-
The apartment was in the deep of the city, not the most friendliest city in the world but hey. It was the type of place where you keep your head down, mind your own business. Although I was new and haven't settled in yet I knew that things were going to change, and I was prepared for all most anything.
I walked into the apartment building, and followed a sign that said office. There was a lovely,black lady sitting behind the reception desk. The noise of a cartoon show could be heard in the back ground, and I guessed that her house or apartment was behind.
'Mummeh, I'm hungry!,' a small child called from behind the counter.
'In a minute darling, mummeh's busy,' the lady replied smiling at me as
I approached the desk.
'Hi Hun, what can I do for you?'
Her dark black hair hung over her left shoulder as she scribbled something down in her note book on the desk.
'I have an apartment I would like to check into,' I reached down into my only bag, and took out some papers.
'Hmm,' she said looking at the papers more closely, 'Oh your that girl who bought it a while ago, with the pretty name,'
I smiled and extended my hand.
'Evangalene Darcy,'
The lady did the same,
'Karen Swart'
We shared smiles for an moment, then she grabbed some keys from behind the counter.
My apartment was small but cosy, I had a bathroom, bedroom and joining kitchen and lounge room.
' There's a laundry mat around the corner, and your mail gets delivered at the front,' Karen said as I walked her to the front door.
'Thank you so much,' I said leaning my head to the side slightly.
Karen just smiled and nodded leaving my new apartment to myself. I was going to like it here .. No doubt.
part 3: updated nxt week :P
\baiiii
:) enjoy
dont ask where i found them but u can see more at www.manbabies.com brother of www.mankini.com
bbada babada thats all folks
- Mood:
artistic
Just The Facts
1.Aliens have tried for years to take over Earth. Every time, they fail.
2.Aliens are inhabitants of other planets.
3.There is nothing that we have that they could possibly need, but they keep trying anyway.
Aliens
Aliens are inhabitants of other planets who keep coming to the planet Earth to conquer us and take our resources. Despite all of their powerful technology, aliens remain intergalactic vaginas who fail repeatedly at their task. After many, many attempts, all they've managed to do is just slaughter our cattle and kidnap and anally rape us, which admittedly is pretty horrible, but still falls much short of their imperialistic goals.
Many people also suggest that aliens leave crop circles as some sort of navigational chart or something. For this to be true, you would have to believe that aliens can build space ships to travel to other planets, but don't have GPS, or instead of communicating with e-mail, they leave each other big fucking post-it notes that take all night to make and someone else has to travel thousands of light years to come see. People who think crop circles are real are idiots.
People Obsessed with Aliens:
Gorilla199
Gorilla199 shares his knowledge of the alien conspiracy, the lizard conspiracy, and the freemason conspiracy on his Youtube channel. Long story short, every one is a lizard and a Freemason and from space. Also, alien lizard freemasons have influenced society from the beginning. So, basically, it's like this, but everyone is like this:
Why Do Aliens Keep Trying to Kill Us?
No one really knows why aliens keep trying to attack Earth, since they are so much more advanced than us and can easily replicate anything that we have, but it has been widely speculated that the reason is because they have seen our planet's unrelenting love for anime, which is horrible, and disgusts them and makes them want to blow up our planet or take all of our resources that we need to live.
Ancient Evidence of Aliens
Nazca lines
In Peru, there are several pictures that have been drawn in the ground that are so big that you can only see them from the sky, or a tall building, but since Peru doesn't have any buildings, you can only see them from the sky. Here is a famous Nazca drawing of a bird that scientists think is proof that aliens visited ancient Peruvian civilizations:
This is bullshit for two reasons: 1) That is the ugliest fucking bird we have ever seen. It looks more like a duck-billed platypus with paper clips sticking out of it. It's not a fucking bird. Can you imagine if you travel to another planet and the inhabitants draw a piece of shit like that for you? Why does it have legs coming out of its stomach and its back? 2) If aliens did come to Earth, why would they go to Peru and not America?
Alien movies
Here is a basic rundown of the ways aliens have tried to kill us and how they have failed:
1.Predator:
The Universe's best hunters fooled by mud and a bow and arrow set made out of wood and tree vines. That's like the Spartans being fooled by Persians because they have funny hats. Yet, despite his weakness of not being able to see things that have mud on them, he decides to do his hunting in the rain forest, possible the muddiest possible place in the world.
2.Independence Day:
Will Smith and Jeff Goldblum program a virus and fly into the mothership to upload it. Then, they fly back to Earth and the remaining US air forces take out the Las Vegas invader ufo. Then, there's a cut scene that shows how the spaceships over the Congo and Taiwan were killed by throwing spears and lions at them until they exploded.
3.Signs:
Not to be out done by a Jew and an African American, Mel Gibson fights off the invading alien army with a baseball bat. Aliens, come to Earth at night and invade farms. Unfortunately, their weakness, water, is not noticed until their full on invasion. That's right, they never once noticed that that dew that covers all the plants at night melts their skin.
4.Transformers:
Megatron foiled by LeBoeuf when he put the Allspark in Megatron's chest. Coincidentally, this also brings dead transformers back to life
- Mood:
accomplished
It seems like it's close to impossible to raise a normal child these days, what with the violent video games and the 4chan and the childhood obesity. But if the latest research is to be believed, even the good stuff we thought we were doing for our kids is ruining them.
Yes, as it turns out the most innocent things we do to our kids every day can fuck them up worse than having the Joker shoot their parents in front of them.
#7.Giving Your Kids a Creative Name
You'd Think...
You want your kid to be special. There are a few million Daves, Bobs and Johns running around NOT being totally awesome and obviously it's all because of their boring-ass names. So you decide to name your son something original, like Malcolm, Ivan or Dicksmash McIroncock.
3318
ShareIt seems like it's close to impossible to raise a normal child these days, what with the violent video games and the 4chan and the childhood obesity. But if the latest research is to be believed, even the good stuff we thought we were doing for our kids is ruining them.
Yes, as it turns out the most innocent things we do to our kids every day can fuck them up worse than having the Joker shoot their parents in front of them.
#7.Giving Your Kids a Creative Name
You'd Think...
You want your kid to be special. There are a few million Daves, Bobs and Johns running around NOT being totally awesome and obviously it's all because of their boring-ass names. So you decide to name your son something original, like Malcolm, Ivan or Dicksmash McIroncock.
But in Reality...
You have just sent your flesh and blood straight into the middle of a massive man-rape in the prison shower. According to a study at the Shippensburg University, kids growing up with ordinary, popular names have a higher chance to become law abiding citizens, while all the unusually named ones should start deciding what state they want to commit their first felony in (friendly tip, skip Texas). The study lists the top 10 bad boy names in America as: Alec, Ernest, Garland, Ivan, Kareem, Luke, Malcolm, Preston, Tyrell and Walter, which we must point out are not the names of any serial killer or presidential assassin that has ever existed, so we're assuming the research is skewed in a certain direction.
The theory is that the additional attention garnered by odd and unusual names can cause peer ridicule and discrimination in the workforce, which tends to result in a few thousand Alecs and Prestons stealing toilet paper from the gas station. So do your kid a favor and give him a typical law-abiding, mentally stable name, like Michael.
3318
ShareIt seems like it's close to impossible to raise a normal child these days, what with the violent video games and the 4chan and the childhood obesity. But if the latest research is to be believed, even the good stuff we thought we were doing for our kids is ruining them.
Yes, as it turns out the most innocent things we do to our kids every day can fuck them up worse than having the Joker shoot their parents in front of them.
#7.Giving Your Kids a Creative Name
You'd Think...
You want your kid to be special. There are a few million Daves, Bobs and Johns running around NOT being totally awesome and obviously it's all because of their boring-ass names. So you decide to name your son something original, like Malcolm, Ivan or Dicksmash McIroncock.
But in Reality...
You have just sent your flesh and blood straight into the middle of a massive man-rape in the prison shower. According to a study at the Shippensburg University, kids growing up with ordinary, popular names have a higher chance to become law abiding citizens, while all the unusually named ones should start deciding what state they want to commit their first felony in (friendly tip, skip Texas). The study lists the top 10 bad boy names in America as: Alec, Ernest, Garland, Ivan, Kareem, Luke, Malcolm, Preston, Tyrell and Walter, which we must point out are not the names of any serial killer or presidential assassin that has ever existed, so we're assuming the research is skewed in a certain direction.
Although, Steve Buscemi played a serial killer named Garland in Con Air, so we guess that's maybe half a point?
The theory is that the additional attention garnered by odd and unusual names can cause peer ridicule and discrimination in the workforce, which tends to result in a few thousand Alecs and Prestons stealing toilet paper from the gas station. So do your kid a favor and give him a typical law-abiding, mentally stable name, like Michael.
#6.Teaching Them To Be Themselves
You'd Think...
Peer pressure is the thing that makes kids smoke cigarettes, do drugs and read pornographic magazines by the time they reach middle school. As countless PSAs and after-school specials taught us, we must teach our kids to be themselves and never give two halves of a fuck about what their "friends" think.
But in Reality...
Remember that smelly kid in school, who never washed his hair, had no friends and once pissed in the sink at that party he wasn't invited to? That's your kid, without peer pressure. A study conducted at the University of Virginia showed that kids who were exposed to peer pressure around the ages of 12 and 13 turned out to be way more well-adjusted than the ones who weren't. They better understood the need to accommodate and make compromises when confronted with social pressure, rather than the "I'll just take my ball and go home" attitude they adopt otherwise.
Totally well-adjusted.
The kids who were taught to be themselves no matter what didn't become walking clones of James Dean. They actually turned out less engaged, socially challenged and statistically less intelligent, their GPAs dropping almost an entire letter grade.
Maybe more importantly, when you actually give a damn about how people view you, it develops a skill of reading the most subtle changes in people's emotional states, leading ultimately to a heightened sense of empathy. In this socially awkward age of the Internet, it turns out peer pressure at the right time can basically give you superpowers.
Empathy Man! He won't piss in your sink (probably)!
#5.Making Them Play Sports
You'd Think...
Nobody wants their child to grow up a dateless nerd, so as soon as his bones harden up, it's off to football practice. There, the guy who used to steal your lunch money and punched a girl at recess in fourth grade will teach your children important life lessons about fair play and sportsmanship, which will naturally transform them into honest, hard working adults.
But in Reality...
Remember your school days, when Steve the quarterback managed to keep passing his classes despite firmly believing that the first president of the United States was George Washington Carver? If you suspected he was cheating somehow, a study of over 5000 students from the Los Angeles-based Josephson Institute seems to confirm it. According to the study, athletes are some of the most dishonest kids in school, with football players turning out the worst with over 72 percent admitting to having cheated during various examinations. Where does this attitude come from? The study suggests it might be the coaches.
But let's face it, you're not sending your kid off to practice so he can have a good time and make friends. You want some goddamn trophies, so coaches are not above teaching kids how to cut corners, feign injuries and do whatever humiliating damage they can to their opponents, because hey, nothing else matters but winning, right?
#4.Starting Them In School Early
You'd Think...
Education must not wait. Your parents waited until you were seven before sending you to school and look at how fucking sad you turned out. You'll be damned if your child suffers the same ill-fate. Is six-months old too early to start attending school? Come on, what's the worst that could happen?
Other than this.
But in Reality...
We hope you didn't have any plans to remodel your basement, because your kid will be living there for a very long time. A study by the National Foundation for Educational Research in the UK has concluded that children who start schooling before the age of six are more likely to drop out from higher education facilities, smoke weed and play guitar badly.
Researchers say sending kids to school before they've developed even the basic little-kid skills of a six-year-old can cause them to suffer from anxiety attacks and develop low self-esteem issues, giving them a bad attitude about the whole "going to school" thing that follows them throughout their education.
This does introduce children to the hopeless, bitter disappointment that is life and prepares them for their soul crushing future office workplace, but even those places want at least a high school diploma.
#3.Warning Them About Strangers
You'd Think...
When it comes to child molestation, there is no such thing as too careful. It is important that your children understand to never do anything a stranger tells them to, and to realize the entire world is out there just waiting to murder the shit out of them for no reason.
OK, you kids are just about ready to go to the bathroom.
But in Reality...
As it turns out, an overblown emphasis on "Stranger Danger" can apparently transform your children into xenophobic bigots, at least that's what professor Sue Scott from the University of Durham is saying. According to Scott, children should certainly be taught to be cautious of strangers, but what most parents are teaching their kids today causes children worldwide to freak out at the mere sight of anything out of the ordinary.
Statistically children are far, far more likely to be abducted/molested by someone the family knows than a roving child molestation gang. Teaching children to fear anyone strange or different from themselves manifests itself later as a fear of pretty much the entire outside world. By adulthood, they're locking their doors every time a Mexican walks by.
#2.Heaping Praise On Them
You'd Think...
Your parents never told you that you were special, even after that kidnapping story you made up to hide the report card with all the Fs. Your kid will have it better. "Great job on the test, son! I loved it how you blocked the ball with your face, son! Got your girlfriend pregnant? High five, up top!"
But in Reality...
We have previously mentioned how the whole self-esteem movement turned a whole lot of people into dicks, because they emotionally can't handle anyone who doesn't boost their ego. We further theorized that this gave birth to the modern douchebag movement.
But it turns out there are effects beyond simply making people unbearable to be around. A study published in 2007 by researches from Columbia and Stanford University found that frequently-praised kids eventually came to believe that intelligence and talent were things they were born with, things which under no possible circumstances could be improved. Consequently, they avoided academic situations that presented any kind of challenge and refused to see the value in any activity that required effort, because if they were so freaking amazing, nothing worth doing should be hard, right?
As a result, their grades dropped and they developed motivation and, ironically, self-esteem issues. So the lesson here is, make your kid realize the value of hard work and honest effort before they self-tan themselves orange and pop their collars. By then, it will be too late.
#1.Showing Them Educational Videos
You'd Think...
We've all heard of those Baby Einstein educational videos, claiming you can park your one-year-old in front of them and have him transform into a Mozart-playing, Shakespeare-quoting nuclear physicist. Makes sense, children soak up knowledge like little kid-shaped ShamWows. The more info you give them during this crucial soaking stage, the better!
But in Reality...
You may have heard that Disney is offering refunds on its Baby Einstein line of educational DVDs. This came after a research team led by Frederick Zimmerman and Dr. Dimitri Christakis from the University of Washington showed that babies watching the popular educational videos around the age of one learn six to eight less words per hour than children who spent their afternoons putting dirt in their mouths. It's because, despite what you have been telling yourself for years, virtual interaction is never as good the real thing.
For example, these are not really your three girlfriends.
If you really want your children to learn from an early age, you need to read to them and supply the buggers with as much human-on-human interaction as possible, not park their adorable little butts in front of the fucking television. TV programs and Infant Education videos use a series of rapidly changing scenes and constantly bombard your kids with new words. With time, their itsy bitsy minds start to filter out most of the information just to help manage the constant barrage, and voila! The kids develop shorter attention spans, and eventually the food service industry claims another life.
yyyuuuummm tacho....
- Location:sydney
- Mood:
dorky - Music:my wonderful brain making those weird noises ... i think their called thoughts?
the favorite is below. But first, the runners up:
Lots of things have unnecessary warning labels. Bottles of shampoo warn that it's for "external use only," in case you're smart enough to know what "external use" means, and dumb enough to think that Pert Plus cleans hair from inside your stomach.
But what if the things we really need to be warned about came with labels?
abda abda thats allfolks
- Location:ACT
Last year around this time, Rod Hilton, creator of The-Editing-Room.com took an abridged look at Twilight. People seemed to enjoy it, so we made him go see the sequel. We hope that one day in the future, he can learn to forgive us.
FADE IN:
INT. ROBERT PATTINSON'S FAMILY'S HOUSE
KRISTEN STEWART is celebrating her BIRTHDAY with ROBERT PATTINSON'S FAMILY.
KRISTEN STEWART
Thanks for this incredibly creepy party everyone, but I'm really not in the mood to celebrate. Every year I spend in these movies makes it that much more difficult for me to get any other acting role.
ROBERT PATTINSON
But you're the founder of the "dull angst" method of acting! Stare blankly when sad, bite lip when happy!
KRISTEN STEWART
(stares blankly)
ASHLEY GREENE
Hey Kristen! Open my gift first! It's a bag of ecstasy, now you can be just as obnoxiously bubbly and wired as me!
KRISTEN opens the gift and cuts herself on the wrapping.
KRISTEN STEWART
Ouch. Zoom in cameraman, I got a papercut.
ROBERT PATTINSON
On wrapping paper? How is that even possible?
Suddenly, JACKSON RATHBONE pretends he's a SNAKE and makes SUPER COOL SNAKE NOISES. He lunges at KRISTEN.
ROBERT PATTINSON
Don't worry Kristen, I will protect you by hurling you against a wall and into a glass table!
KRISTEN STEWART
My hero!
(bleeds profusely)
JACKSON is sent to his room.
ROBERT PATTINSON
Kristen, my family is dangerous. I mean, a single drop of blood whipped them into a hilarious frenzy.
KRISTEN STEWART
I noticed. So do I just avoid coming over for a week every month or something?
ROBERT PATTINSON
What I'm trying to say is, I think we should break up. Please don't do anything stupid. And yes, Taylor Lautner counts as a stupid thing.
KRISTEN STEWART
No! I've been dumped by my high school boyfriend! The only natural reaction is to have violent night terrors, and detach from my friends completely!
INT. SCHOOL
After a while, KRISTEN STEWART starts talking to her friends again.
MICHAEL WELCH
I heard you sat and stared out your window for three solid months. That seems like a pretty clear sign of a mental imbalance, which I'm apparently attracted to. Want to go see a movie?
KRISTEN STEWART
Sure, lets go see Face-Punch. Apparently the trailer tag line is "Pow pow, punch faces."
MICHAEL WELCH
I know it's a joke movie, but that actually sounds a hell of a lot better than this steaming pile.
MICHAEL and KRISTEN go see a movie, but she invites TAYLOR LAUTNER as well.
TAYLOR LAUTNER
Hey Kristen. I got super ripped since the last movie. By the way I'm totally not a werewolf.
KRISTEN STEWART
You should make fun of the poor schmuck who invited me to this movie since he's not as ripped as you.
MICHAEL WELCH
You know what? I don't need this shit! I may not be Robert Pattinson, but I've still been in the Twilight movies! Michael Fucking Welch pulls trim, okay?
TAYLOR LAUTNER
Pattinson is never coming back, Kristen. You should get over him and go out with me.
KRISTEN STEWART
I dunno, I was really looking forward to another three-month spinning camera shot. Wanted to know what I'd see outside my window for "March". Not sure if I'm ready to date someone else.
TAYLOR LAUTNER
(points to abs)
KRISTEN STEWART
Good point. Would you be okay with me stringing you along and using you to fix some motorcycles I found so that I can get an adrenaline rush that reminds me of Robert Pattinson?
TAYLOR LAUTNER
Hmm. Maybe if I show you how loyal I am and offer you an endless supply of support without any kind of pressure you'll eventually come to rely on me and that reliance will slowly morph into romantic feelings!
KRISTEN STEWART
Maybe! That's worked for lots of guys, just ask any forum on the internet!
TAYLOR LAUTNER
Great. I will never, ever leave you.
(pause)
By the way, I am a werewolf after all. I can never see you again.
KRISTEN STEWART
Wow, so this movie series is going to ruin werewolves too?
TAYLOR LAUTNER
Yep. Werewolves are telepathic and like cliffdiving.
KRISTEN STEWART
I'm going to be really disappointed if the next movie doesn't have rapping Frankenstein monsters or chess-playing mummies or something.
KRISTEN hangs around the WEREWOLF FAMILY. No WEREWOLF SOCCER is forced upon the AUDIENCE.
KRISTEN STEWART
Is there any particular reason you guys never wear shirts? I mean besides generating revenue for panty manufacturers?
TAYLOR LAUTNER
We shred them when we turn into extremely poorly animated wolves.
KRISTEN STEWART
Oh. Then is there any particular reason you guys still wear pants?
TAYLOR LAUTNER
You ever see a dog's penis?
KRISTEN continues cockteasing TAYLOR and eventually the phone in her house rings. TAYLOR answers it.
TAYLOR LAUTNER
Hello? Do I have Prince Albert in a can? That joke doesn't even make sense anymore, how old are you? Asshole.
(hangs up)
KRISTEN STEWART
Why the hell are you answering other people's phones? Seriously, who does that?
Suddenly, ASHLEY GREENE bursts in the door.
ASHLEY GREENE
Kristen! That was Robert Pattinson who called, and since you were unable to answer the phone he naturally assumed you were dead! Now he's going to kill himself!
KRISTEN STEWART
Wow, what a complete rip-off of Romeo and Juliet!
ASHLEY GREENE
It is, but since earlier the movie acknowledged that play exists, it makes it an homage! Hey, it smells like wet dog in here.
TAYLOR LAUTNER
What the fuck, are all vampires raging dickholes?
ASHLEY GREENE
Kristen, Robert is going to walk naked into the sunlight in Volterra, Italy. If he does this, the Volturi will have to kill him!
KRISTEN STEWART
Because then the city would know that vampires are still around?
ASHLEY GREENE
No, because then they'll see him all glittery and know just how lame vampires are in Stephanie Meyer's universe. We have to stop him!
KRISTEN STEWART
This movie isn't going to try and pretend it's an action flick in the last 10 minutes like the last movie, is it?
It IS. KRISTEN and ASHLEY take a continental flight to ITALY to try and stop ROBERT.
EXT. TOWN SQUARE - VOLTERRA, ITALY
KRISTEN and ASHLEY arrive just as ROBERT takes his shirt off to step into the sunlight.
KRISTEN STEWART
Robert, no! Holy crap, is that what you look like without a shirt on? Aren't you supposed to be some kind of sex symbol? You look like a white Urkel.
ROBERT PATTINSON
Kristen, you're alive! I love you more than anything could love a loved thing! Please ignore the fact that I'm still glowering at you as I say this.
KRISTEN STEWART
Of course! Hear that, girls in the audience? When the boy you love dumps you, it means he loves you more than ever! Don't give up!
ROBERT PATTINSON
And if he thinks you are going to die, it will force him to express that love!
ROBERT, KRISTEN, and ASHLEY are apprehended by MICHAEL SHEEN, who is the KING VAMPIRE OR SOME BULLSHIT.
MICHAEL SHEEN
I'm going to kill you now, Robert. My wife loves these movies for some damn reason and if I have to sit through "Breaking Dawn" so help me ...
KRISTEN STEWART
Don't kill him! Kill me instead!
MICHAEL SHEEN
I think it was assumed that we'll be eating you after we kill him, but whatever. Let's use our super cool vampire powers to look into your future.
They look into the future and see KRISTEN and ROBERT prancing through a meadow in slow motion. The BOYFRIENDS in the AUDIENCE ruin their chances of getting laid by laughing uproariously.
MICHAEL SHEEN
Well that was fucking embarassing. Go on, get out of here. And please send in the huge group of American tourists whose disappearance somewhere in Italy surely won't garner the attention of every major news network.
KRISTEN, ROBERT, and ASHLEY go back to WASHINGTON.
EXT. WOODS
KRISTEN and ROBERT are walking through the woods when they encounter TAYLOR LAUTNER.
TAYLOR LAUTNER
You're back with the vampire? I thought you were falling in love with me!
KRISTEN STEWART
Guys, think about this a minute. Isn't the fact that I'm only attracted to dangerous monsters an indicator that I'm not actually attracted to who either of you are, but what you are? Clearly I just have some kind of serious mental issue.
TAYLOR LAUTNER
Yeah well, stay away from her Robert. Don't make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry.
ROBERT PATTINSON
Right, because you turn into a cartoon dog.
KRISTEN STEWART
This is the classic "person likes popular kid but is loved by best friend" storyline used in virtually every high school movie ever made, huh?
TAYLOR LAUTNER
Yeah, except unlike every other movie that has used this cliche, you actually wind up with the popular kid and I stay a chump forever.
TAYLOR leaves.
KRISTEN STEWART
I asked your family to vote on if I'd be turned into a vampire and they voted yes. A vampire society is nothing if not a group that respects democracy.
ROBERT PATTINSON
Fine. I'll convert you after two more books on one condition: you marry me.
KRISTEN STEWART
Er, did a 109-year-old just ask a teenage girl to make a lifetime commitment? Classy.
GIRLS IN AUDIENCE
(swooning)
No wonder boys hate Twilight! Nobody can be as perfect as Edward!
BOYS IN AUDIENCE
Are you kidding? We love Twilight! It teaches the next generation of women that, the worse their men treat them, the more in love they should be.
GIRLS IN AUDIENCE
You're right! Want to buy me another movie ticket?
BOYS IN AUDIENCE
Buy your own goddamn ticket you stupid cunt.
WOMEN IN AUDIENCE
(swoon)
END (Cracked.com)
cheers faithfull readers XOXO
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